here is something i just wrote, trying to write my way out of my own prison in my head. have a go at it if you like, i think by the end i start to get it together. lol.
sometimes the simple way out is to confront it and work it out.
i feel a bit better having worked on this:
What to do?
I cant remember the last
time I had a dream of something, doing something. I feel like every day is
exactly the same, and I am trapped in a room without a key or windows or a way to
a new world. I am trying to focus my thoughts and figure things out. I need
goals. I need a project. I need to envision something positive and go for it. I
don't know what I want to do anymore. Make art? Play music? I feel like every
day is exactly the same. I need something to look forward to. To doing. To be.
To go. Something. Anything. I look back on ten years in the arts and it feels
like nothing has changed or been accomplished. I am still broke. Still in
Kamloops, and feels like still going nowhere. Its brutal. I get depressed
thinking about it. Or bummed out for sure. I know I have to make changes.
Something has to give. I miss my kids. If anything I want to be something or
someone they can be proud of and realize this whole dream of rock and roll dad
or art dad has mainly been an illusion. But that is okay to dream.
I know that at any given
moment, there are thousands of us across the country grasping to any shred of
youth, before we realize it is okay to grow and mature and reshape dreams. I
don't want to be that guy, trying too hard to be youthful but ever aging and
fattening. Haha. When is enough enough? A rut is easy to fall into and so hard
to escape. I have time but no money. No focus or ideas to get more money. Being
an artist or musician or author or filmmaker is one long endless hustle for
more money and more projects and more grants and more madness. When I finish a
project I need to rest my brain, painting a giant mural 28 x 8 feet really
takes a toll on you. Physically and mentally, constantly coming up with things,
creating, jumping up and down, painting, mentoring people and teaching them new
things and techniques while constantly learning new ones yourself is brutal.
After a decade in the
trenches I am not sure what I have to show for it? A few nice toys, that I use
to create music or art with, and I guess freedom. But what good is freedom when
you have nothing else? No money to do shit. I am not one driven by material
things, believe it, if you knew me well enough, you would know this is truth, I
still catch transit for F sakes, haha. But money is a power, and energy, you
can use it to open doors, to create opportunities, not just for yourself, but
others because you want others to have and enjoy success. That is rewarding,
helping someone have a breakthrough on a painting, a film, a story or a song is
immensely rewarding because you see their brain working and sorting it out and
then the moment when it comes together and you see that smile of accomplishment
and ownership. I think I have seen this happen more in the last couple years
than ever before because I am no longer driven to do stuff to benefit me, well,
maybe financially so I can pay my bills and rent and stuff.
When I get asked to
participate in projects or what have ye, I tend to look at the project, check
out how much freedom there is in it creatively and how it will benefit the
community?! When I work on a mural with the community, I dream it will provide
some sense of pride for the community, the Indigenous and non-Indigenous
community as well. We have so many ugly walls in this town why not make art for
them, and help create a sense of ownership and pride in the walls and murals?
Growing up Indigenous has never been easy, and I never had community role
models or even role models on TV or movies. We were always the bad guys, the
drunks, the savages, and always expendable. Then on the news, we were
protesting, or roadblocks, or portrayed as always wanting a handout. Or ending
up on the news missing and murdered. And believe me, that can really F@$# your
head up because where is the pride? The culture and language that once held us
together, nation by nation, territory by territory, band by band, family by
family was torn away for over a hundred years. So, where was the representation
that you could hold your head up with and walk proudly down the street and
speak your language and know your culture?! It was nearly destroyed, and I believe
that creativity can help recover so much of what was lost. Over the past couple
years I have helped with several community mural projects and digital
storytelling projects and it has been awesome. I hope that in some way, I can
give back to this community and all over Canada as I travel on my traplines,
that when youth see a mural created by youth and with youth that it speaks to
them and gives them hope and pride in being Indigenous. I know it would have
made a difference when I was younger.
