Thursday, July 20, 2017

re: rambling thoughts jelling together to make sense. could be an article or something?!

Dear friends, fans, foe and lovers and haters,

here is something i just wrote, trying to write my way out of my own prison in my head. have a go at it if you like, i think by the end i start to get it together. lol.

sometimes the simple way out is to confront it and work it out.

i feel a bit better having worked on this:

What to do?
I cant remember the last time I had a dream of something, doing something. I feel like every day is exactly the same, and I am trapped in a room without a key or windows or a way to a new world. I am trying to focus my thoughts and figure things out. I need goals. I need a project. I need to envision something positive and go for it. I don't know what I want to do anymore. Make art? Play music? I feel like every day is exactly the same. I need something to look forward to. To doing. To be. To go. Something. Anything. I look back on ten years in the arts and it feels like nothing has changed or been accomplished. I am still broke. Still in Kamloops, and feels like still going nowhere. Its brutal. I get depressed thinking about it. Or bummed out for sure. I know I have to make changes. Something has to give. I miss my kids. If anything I want to be something or someone they can be proud of and realize this whole dream of rock and roll dad or art dad has mainly been an illusion. But that is okay to dream.

I know that at any given moment, there are thousands of us across the country grasping to any shred of youth, before we realize it is okay to grow and mature and reshape dreams. I don't want to be that guy, trying too hard to be youthful but ever aging and fattening. Haha. When is enough enough? A rut is easy to fall into and so hard to escape. I have time but no money. No focus or ideas to get more money. Being an artist or musician or author or filmmaker is one long endless hustle for more money and more projects and more grants and more madness. When I finish a project I need to rest my brain, painting a giant mural 28 x 8 feet really takes a toll on you. Physically and mentally, constantly coming up with things, creating, jumping up and down, painting, mentoring people and teaching them new things and techniques while constantly learning new ones yourself is brutal.

After a decade in the trenches I am not sure what I have to show for it? A few nice toys, that I use to create music or art with, and I guess freedom. But what good is freedom when you have nothing else? No money to do shit. I am not one driven by material things, believe it, if you knew me well enough, you would know this is truth, I still catch transit for F sakes, haha. But money is a power, and energy, you can use it to open doors, to create opportunities, not just for yourself, but others because you want others to have and enjoy success. That is rewarding, helping someone have a breakthrough on a painting, a film, a story or a song is immensely rewarding because you see their brain working and sorting it out and then the moment when it comes together and you see that smile of accomplishment and ownership. I think I have seen this happen more in the last couple years than ever before because I am no longer driven to do stuff to benefit me, well, maybe financially so I can pay my bills and rent and stuff.


When I get asked to participate in projects or what have ye, I tend to look at the project, check out how much freedom there is in it creatively and how it will benefit the community?! When I work on a mural with the community, I dream it will provide some sense of pride for the community, the Indigenous and non-Indigenous community as well. We have so many ugly walls in this town why not make art for them, and help create a sense of ownership and pride in the walls and murals? Growing up Indigenous has never been easy, and I never had community role models or even role models on TV or movies. We were always the bad guys, the drunks, the savages, and always expendable. Then on the news, we were protesting, or roadblocks, or portrayed as always wanting a handout. Or ending up on the news missing and murdered. And believe me, that can really F@$# your head up because where is the pride? The culture and language that once held us together, nation by nation, territory by territory, band by band, family by family was torn away for over a hundred years. So, where was the representation that you could hold your head up with and walk proudly down the street and speak your language and know your culture?! It was nearly destroyed, and I believe that creativity can help recover so much of what was lost. Over the past couple years I have helped with several community mural projects and digital storytelling projects and it has been awesome. I hope that in some way, I can give back to this community and all over Canada as I travel on my traplines, that when youth see a mural created by youth and with youth that it speaks to them and gives them hope and pride in being Indigenous. I know it would have made a difference when I was younger.