wow, time flies, it's been quite sometime since i've posted anything, again, just wow, i hadn't realized it until i checked. this morning i woke up around 5 am and felt a real calm, a clarity i hadn't felt in some time. i think i've been going through a lot of horrible truths lately, or over the past few years. i'm smack dab in the middle of mid-life, 45 years old and it's been tough. locally i feel long in the tooth, younger bands feel i'm too old to jam with and older bands want to jam out classic tinged rock and so on. i feel some local people are resentful of my so called "success," as an artist, author, musician and filmmaker. i think in some ways, i too was resentful, because i felt so much more was being lost than gained. haha, life is a definite head trip.
i think i've been depressed off and on the past few years, probably starting back in 2010 when i really hit the road hard touring and working my ass off. everything i had been working towards for many, many years was finally coming to fruition and no one seemed to care. haha. oh well, i laboured through it, put my head down and charged forward, slogging through it, the highs and the lows, and everything in between. being away from my kids for long periods of time is and will always be tough, friends come and go, life moves on and people live and people die.
i've been transitioning from road life to home life more and more and it's so challenging, you miss the road, the sights, the sounds, the smells, the people, the performances and the stages and so on. you can try really hard to remember things, and tell yourself, "i'll never forget this moment, this rush, the stage, the galleries, the walls you've painted on, the people you're hanging out with, the food you're eating, the smells, the streets, the faces and places," but eventually you do. haha. oh well, just gotta get out and try to get it all back again i guess?
then trying to find a way to make a living matching what you do on the road is next to impossible. you start to get gigs around town and people call you "art star," or "rock star," and accuse you of using your accomplishments or whatever to get gigs. which in some ways is true, it does get you gigs, but you worked hard for them in the first place. haha. then, there is the excesses of the road, they can become a burden as well, out on the road it's a lot of hard living and good times, people expect it and want it, so when you get off the road switching gears is a head trip. but it's necessary otherwise you'll burn out hard and partying and the lifestyle can kill you or destroy you and your creativity. a catch 22. haha. all to just live out your dreams, the many prices you pay for them and so on.
i guess it's all about really trying to find and maintain balance and sanity, eating healthy, working hard and being creative, pushing your boundaries. success is regional, there are definite advantages to living in larger urban centres where there is infrastructure for musicians, artists, authors and filmmakers. when you're out in the rural or rest of canada, it's a pretty tough slog. gear is expensive and hard to come by, printing out art and art supplies are expensive and i usually have to farm it out and do stuff online, venues and affordable, safe rehearsal space are next to impossible to get and so on.
so what am i really saying? i'm not sure, just sharing some truths and experiences i guess, i've had a lot more so called "success," than i ever thought would happen, but i still hunger for more. but time isn't always on a person's side, so i'd go for it while young, and if i didn't have the responsibilities i have now as an adult, life would be different. a lot of people helped me get to where i am today and i am so thankful to them, you know who you are, and i have also burned some bridges along the way, and that's life, we all make mistakes, the trick is not to repeat yourself on them. you gotta keep on moving forward.
last year, i also really started to feel my years of life on the road on my body, i started physically falling apart last year on the road, tooth problems last year in montreal and prince albert, saskatchewan, knee problems, sight problems and so on, there's still more to do, but i'm trying to learn from my mistakes and trying not to make the same ones repetitively. life is definitely short, when i was turning 30 i never, ever thought i'd be still in Kamloops, BC.
i thought i'd be famous by now, haha, silly me, living in montreal, or toronto or new york or paris or los angeles. and i've been to all those places, many times over the past 20 years, and have had a lot of fun and adventures chasing after my dreams, so i guess i'll close this post on a positive note, saying i feel pretty good today, better and not bitter, something i haven't felt in a while i think and i am indeed very, very grateful for the crazy ride it's been so far.......
in the meantime, check out some new art adventures i've been on and keep on keeping on everyone, it all gets better and better,
cheers,
chris bose.
ps: i'm still broke. haha. buy some art.
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