it's christmas day and i hope you spent it with loved ones and lovers, my day was quiet, i spent it alone, this year i didn't have my kids and it sucked. i'm anti-social and hermetic by nature i think, and i find it challenging to reach out to others and be around people over the holidays. for the first 20 years of my life christmas wasn't exactly a fun time, that was usually when my family members were binging, fighting and violence and chaos sort of ruled the time. certain family members would attempt suicide, or get beaten to a pulp, or set the house on fire, and so on and so on.
only in the past few years have i even given a shit about this holiday season and that's because i have kids now, that are older and i want to try to give them a better life than i ever had. this is more difficult than it seems, because if you've never known a normal childhood, how in the hell do you provide it for your own children? it's a challenge, a struggle to provide some normalcy for my kids, because i never had it. something as boring as a christmas dinner, with friends and family, something that "middle class," or "functional," people take for granted is quite the challenge for me and my family. le sigh.
anyway, i spent the day alone, went for a walk, got some fresh air, watched some television, and wondered when my life was going to change? what do i have to do change my situation? i'm bored. having time is one thing, but not having money is quite another. i want to tour, make some money and see the world. be surrounded by friends, artists and musicians and try to live a good life by example. haha, i don't ask for much eh? i found some solace making some music and a video poem today, perhaps in a year i'll be posting something much different from somewhere else on the planet. paris or new york city would be just fine in a year, that would probably be a nice change of pace.
until next time lovers,
chris bose.
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