re: alone/lonely, two different worlds. sort of.

Hello friends, fans, foe and lovers,

here is a new short piece on "alone/lonely" have a got at it, hope you enjoy something in it,

until next time,


CB.

Alone/Lonely:

My last article or short essay was about parenting and how I sometimes struggle doing it on my own without a lot of support from an extended family network. I spend a lot of time alone, not just because I’m an artist, writer or creative type, but because I choose to spend my time without being surrounded all the time by people. I like being alone, I like the silence, I enjoy being able to do what I want when I want on my own terms. This is different from being lonely. Being lonely is when you feel cut off or isolated from the world around you and it indeed does weird shit to you; I’ve been on both sides of this subject. Being lonely can make you feel isolated, depressed, and crazy and a bit like a loser. Being alone can be empowering, awesome, creative and cool. When I have been lonely it’s because I want or crave intimacy or to be part of a clique or a group. It’s usually at the tail end of a long period of time when I have been alone by choice.

                 

I’ve spent a great amount of time alone in my life, I’m not sure why, I can be gregarious when I want, but at the end of the day, I always have enjoyed coming home to a quiet place and relaxing. I’ll read, play guitar, do some art or watch something online or the TV. Now that I have kids, I enjoy my time with them, they have filled that void of silence when I have them with me, when they’re back at their mum’s I miss them, but I’m used to being alone. It’s not the same as lonely. Trust me. I don’t have to answer to anyone, pick up after anyone, well, except the kids, and I don’t have to adjust my lifestyle to suit someone else’s needs. I’m happy this way and really dig it.

                 

So, when I take time away from the rat race and spend time working on something new and creative, it’s really fun at first and if I’m having successes, then it’s exciting and empowering. If I’m hit with obstacles and problems, then it feels like I’m struggling to reach goals or express myself creatively and successfully. I begin to doubt myself, my goals and indeed my own existence. You can reach a low place very quickly if you’re struggling, especially with deadlines and other things. It’s because I can cobble together some money from projects, save up and get away from it all I feel sort of successful, but it never lasts because there’s never enough money.

                 

The struggle is real. What it does is buy me time, that is I get to have time away from people and society. If I do this for a while as in don’t leave my place because I have food, rent and bills paid up, I can get lonely and it can suck. Reintegrating back into society and social situations can be challenging and awkward, because I haven’t talked to anyone in awhile, or left my place for a week or more. I get anxiety and have to basically force myself to go out in public, catch the bus, get a coffee, and go to the bookstore and other “normal” things. There have been times when I haven’t spoken out loud for so long my own voice startles me, haha, which is sad and funny. So I think when you’re alone, it’s by choice and when you start to feel lonely it’s because you’ve been alone too long and have a hard time reaching out and getting back into the loop with friends, family and even society. Take care of yourself, time alone is good, but becoming lonely can be not so great and you need to learn to tell the difference! 

until next time,

Chris Bose.