Urban Coyote TeeVee: re: parenting.....wtf?!?!

Hello friends, fans, foe and lovers,

i continue my non-fiction, essay, rant, style of new material in my blog and kind of inspiring me again to keep writing and start having more fun in it. please enjoy!?

CB

Parenting:

Ahhh parenting. It’s an incredible challenge and incredibly rewarding, that thing called “parenting” and it’s rougher when you’ve never really had a parent. Not to say my mum didn’t try, it’s just that she didn’t know how. 11 years in a residential school will do that to you. Just over half a life sentence basically, except she went in at age 5 and got out when she was 16 and pregnant with me (we’ll talk about that another time!). There are times when I feel like I am doing a good job being a parent, and other times where I feel like I am sucking at it. I try to do the opposite of how I grew up. My kids have way more than I ever did. Better food. Better living conditions. Stability.

Ava'r and Seth'r many moons ago.

Their mom got mad at me for giving our son

a shirt from the band "Devildriver"

it's a medieval print of a demon eating people.

lol. my humour doesn't always reach others.

I’ve been in the same apartment for over 8 years now. I’ll talk more on that later, haha, it’s actually the longest I’ve ever been one place in my entire life. But there are times I realize I don’t have the best coping mechanics, under stress, financially or emotionally. I struggle, as does everyone I reckon, but I do my best and seem to be wrapping my head around it more successfully than previous years. I’m currently parenting without a roadmap to life, meaning, I’m raising daughters and a teenage son pretty much without a lot of help. My mum, who didn’t really know how to be a mum, well, doesn’t really know how to be a grandparent. My dad was never really in the picture and he’s in rough shape from living a rough life and the kids have no interest in meeting him and I don’t have much interest in getting to know him.

So, my support network is limited, and though I try to expand it, this isn’t easy in an increasingly diverted, introverted; anti-social, social media frenzy culture. I find I am exhausted at the end of the day, mentally, emotionally and even physically when I have my kids. I nap a couple times a day when I have them because my brain needs it. My body needs it. As they get older, it gets a little easier, because the constant barrage of questions and demands for attention begins to wane and it’s nice a little sad at the same time.

Tater and her yeah yah, just before Yeah yah (grandma) passed into the spirit world

this photo and those lights sort of represent that. i remember my spah-puh-lah

(grandpa) telling me he was going to the spirit world soon and when he did

my brother would be born, because that's how it worked, one left and one arrived.

so now i'm always worried about births. haha. it's an omen someone will pass on.

When I first moved to my current location, it was all 4 of us going to the playground or for hikes. Then it was 3 of us as my son turned 12 and started wanting to stay home because he was outgrowing playground time. Then it was 2 of us as my daughter turned 10 and outpacing her brother in maturity also sought time alone to watch youtube room tours and lip balm tours. So now it’s my youngest daughter and I going to the park and playground to play, and to be honest it’s a little sad. They’re growing up so fast and it’s hard to keep pace with their interests, wants and needs.

Seth'r in a studio i had back in 2009

I do the best I can with what I have and know, then I ask others questions about stuff my kids are doing and then if all else fails I check the interwebs and see what’s what. It helps but I can’t help but feel a little envious at the more “normal” families I see with grandparents and siblings interested in spending time with one another, helping with errands or food or this or that, the little things in life that help make the journey a little more enjoyable.

Seth'r and Ava'r

many moons ago.

Watching other families that seem on the outside, to be doing better as a family unit makes me feel a little sad inside and alone/lonely. My family as a whole has been through so much pain and suffering because of the residential school system, everyone is a little crazy and messed up. The world my kids has grown up has been way, way less affected from that than I experienced and hopefully they won’t have kids because the world is a mess. I stopped the madness I grew up in and I feel good about it. Not to say their lives are perfect, life is what it is, sometimes amazing, simple, go with the flow, and sometimes it's a challenge. That's life. But if my kids do decide to have kids, I hope their kids’ experience in life moving forward and better and we just keep moving on through space, time and living.