as i continue navel gazing, and staring at my shoes, the wall, the cities around me as i travel.....i think more about how yes, most of us are doing the exact same thing we were when this century started, some of us have escaped, some found a door to go through that changed their lives while others still, continue to struggle, to starve, to survive......i guess we're all just trying to find our way, to make our mark, to do something with our lives.....or not. i just read a "coming of age" story called, "Paul Moves Out" by Michel Rabagliati, a comic illustrator from montreal.....it's very clever, and moves you through many years and people before leaving on an interesting note, the quiet of a room after the absence of children. i know this all too well....when my kids go home, the place is unnervingly silent. they have such an incredible bombastic energy, running, jumping, climbing, shouting, playing.....and then they're gone. recently i went to my tattoo guy's place, and they have a lot of kids. i think the most kids of anyone, more than me even, and the house was strangely quiet, and i asked where the kids were and he and his wife said, "oh they're here, they're just downstairs...." and then i picked up my guitar and we started jamming a bit, and sure enough, one by one they all came upstairs to see who was over visiting.....
back in the day, jamming meant booze, loud singing, and stomping feet.....so, the kids were never really excited, and in fact, came to associate music in a negative way.....hopefully that'll change, but what i noticed was how big the kids got, and they were not little kids anymore......they came up, said hi and saw everything was okay and went back downstairs....probably relieved we were no longer crazy boozers.....and in face, the jam was really, really good...i belted out a few songs, grant sang a few, and i played lead guitar for his stuff, noodling around, and it was really great fun....sober nonetheless.....to be honest, i envied them, because somehow, over the years, the struggles, the poverty, the partying, and everything else, all the people who have come and gone in their lives, they were still together and in love.....a visible real love and their kids had a safe, warm house to live in, while my ex and i had gone through similar things, we had fallen by the way, and i mourn the loss. we attemped, to be fair, half-heartedley a couple times, to reconcile, but things seemed to work against us, almost as if fate were playing a cruel game. i now haven't seen my kids in nearly two weeks. that's two weeks i'll never get back. i miss them so much, it aches in my heart, and i struggle each day to look on the bright side of things.....they have such a wonderful energy, and the cute kids smell, my daughter's hair, my son's wild, bouncing energy, his eyes that everyone seems to love.....which, incidently, he gets tired of hearing about ha ha.....i also have a baby daughter, but i hardly get the chance to see her.....she looks remarkably like her mother....it's weird......anyway, i guess finding a way out of this is my goal......to change the future, let go of the past and exist in the now is easier said than done.....
yesterday, i was in the coolest pawn shop i know of, it's in Vernon, called the 30th ave pawnshop, it is unbelievable, and the guy who runs it is quite the character.....he always drinks beer and smokes cigarettes, no matter what time i go there......tells it like it is, and seems to be a land-locked pirate.....i'll post some photos later......anyway, we chatted a bit, and told me some pretty good advice......which you'll have to wait to hear....coz i gotta go.......later skaters,
cb
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