Hello friends, fans, foe and lovers,
it's sept 6, 7:10 am and i'm greeting another sunrise, which is a miracle and i'm happy to be alive. it's been a hell of a journey and sometimes a slog, but ultimately it's been pretty damn amazing. i am feeling much healthier and better these days, going to bed early, getting up earlier, photographing and filming some really awesome sunrises. goodbye summer, you evil wretch! hahaha
the song i am listening to as i write this and first thing i heard this morning:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-Pr6lTVTxs
anyway, the mornings in september are cooler in kamloops, and i love the first signs of fall after a scorching hot desert summer. the sun is evil now, hotter, meaner and burns you up fast than when i was a kid growing up here. i used the air conditioning this year for the first time since 2011 and loved it. i'm getting older, haha, and summers and winters to me are now "meh." i live for spring and fall, and if i could find a place to live where the weather is like that year round, i'd move there. i'd find a reason to move there, wherever that may be.
i think i've been getting down on myself lately because of the sheer exhaustion being on the road for so long, ten years in fact, and it felt like it was without end, and because i succumbed to being the non-stop party machine to cope with being away from my kids all the time that when i came back home, it ultimately resulted in crashing down in the dumps. self-sabotage, depression, anxiety and all matter of maladies can occur when you surrender. grounding yourself can take a long time from such highs of touring and fancy hotels, cars, and traveling by jet from place to place, and all the accomplishments, dreams coming true, where people are happy to see you and fun times never seem to end and then KABOOM!!!! back to the reality of the small town where you come from. haha. smashing down actually, like a wall, oppressive and depressive. haha. and no one cares or understands what you've done or accomplished, or is even happy to see you. d'oh.
being back home can become very lonely when you're support network is on the road and in cities across the country. coming back home can suck. maybe it's because you represent the freedom, hopes and dreams people lose when they have given up themselves? maybe? possibly? who knows, but i quit telling people years ago what i do on the road anyway, because i learned early on coming home excited from different places and adventures, people quickly tire of hearing of your fun and exploits far away in other cities. plus, they give you that look that says "fuck you, you lucky bastard! i don't want to hear about it!"
so, i tend to stay home when i get off the road and end up trying to get more gigs to get away from home and that icky feeling i get when i get home, and only end up isolating myself more when i'm off the road because no one seems to give a shit when i do show up anyways, hahaha. ah cruel world. and isolating yourself is generally not a good thing to do, so don't do it. and don't drink, that's not going to help you through the hard times, trust me on that one. hahaha. create a support network at home that's happy to see you and enjoys being around you, and not just because you're buying the drinks hahaha! do something healthy, productive and fun. believe me, you won't regret it, because doing what i've done only leads to madness.
but, i'm finally feeling grounded and feeling good about myself and life for the first time in a long time. i go to sleep sober, sometimes bored as hell, and wake up feeling refreshed and happy, almost at peace really. i'm trying to take each day as it comes and trying to recharge my batteries and reconstitute my health and my resolve. being an artist, musician, author, filmmaker or anything creative, there's an awful lot of pressure to constantly come up with something new and fresh and to keep ahead of the pack and stay relevant. people will take and take and take from you and give nothing back in return, except maybe empty promises, vague lies and shallow vows. for the first time in ten years i'm saying no to gigs, trying to stay home and make things happen in my community more than ever. it ain't easy. arts education is critical, because sure, on the road in places where there is that infrastructure already laid down, it's too easy, you show up, do your gig, get the smiles and applause and after the after party you wake up and then leave on another jet to the next sunny day.
in small towns, and back at home, there often isn't the infrastructure and people don't give a shit and think the arts are a waste of time and that's a challenge.
staying home has been good for me, extremely challenging to pay the bills and put food on the table, but worth it. i'm feeling good about life am starting to figure out the next steps creatively and in my life i need to take and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. keep your hope alive my friends, foe and until next time lovers,
chris bose.
